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New Release: NOT SAFE FOR KIDS by Kevin Shamel and Jim Agpalza

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Now Available from Spunk Goblin Press (our imprint of children’s books for adults) comes this darkly comical book of stories you WISH you could tell your children.
NOT SAFE FOR KIDS by Kevin Shamel and illustrated by Jim Agpalza.

WARNING: THIS BOOK IS GUARANTEED TO EMOTIONALLY FUCK UP YOUR KIDS
Ah, children. They are obnoxious little question machines. And they won’t shut up until you’ve given them a response. Dumb jerks. This book addresses all the cold, hard answers to all those stupid, stupid questions like:
Does your poop smell bad? That means you’re dying.
How do little rocks turn into big ones? They eat people.
Did you know you can breathe underwater? It’s true. Your body doesn’t like it at first, but you totally can.
Did you know that holding babies makes you run faster? Try it and see!
Wouldn’t it be cool if you could go back in time and fight dinosaurs for control of the moon? No it wouldn’t be. You’d totally die.
So sit down and layer on the emotional scarring with this read-aloud picture book you WISH you could share with children. A hilarious read that is NOT SAFE FOR KIDS.

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Eraserhead Press Announces Open Call For Submissions

For the first time in a decade, Eraserhead Press is opening to unsolicited submissions to our main line! The 2016 reading period runs from June 15-July 15th.

From the submissions page:

Eraserhead Press is seeking novellas and novels of 20,000 to 100,000 words in length that fit into the Bizarro Fiction category. We want exciting, well-crafted weird stories with compelling plots, eccentric characters and never-before-seen concepts. The best way to understand what we are looking for is to familiarize yourself with our catalog. We’re most drawn to darkly absurd tales that are fun and addictive to read, yet still contain a strong emotional core. If you feel you’ve written something completely unique that stands apart from everything else being published today, then we want to see it.

Email your submission to eraserheadsubmissions@gmail.com. Include with your manuscript an author bio, a 3-5 sentence pitch of your book, and a one-page synopsis. Your manuscript should be well edited and free of grammatical errors. Failure to follow these guidelines may result in automatic rejection. Multiple submissions okay. No simultaneous submissions.  We are not accepting short story collections, poetry or non-fiction at this time.

Author royalty 50% of profit.
Eraserhead Press is interested in English language ebook and paperback rights. All other rights (e.g. audiobook, film, hardcover) are retained by the author.

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DRUNK DRIVING CHAMPION new novel by Eric Hendrixson

Happy Springtime Bizarros! Eraserhead Press has some awesome new releases headed your way. The first is a  book that’s been in the works for a few years and has been having a lot of buzz building around it for its dark humor. DRUNK DRIVING CHAMPION by Eric Hendrixson.

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Available on Amazon.com paperback and kindle

“Outlandish fun. A descendant of “Cannonball Run” and “It’s a Mad Mad Mad World” with every bit of the manic exuberance.” -GARRETT COOK, Wonderland Book Award winning author of “Time Pimp”

When a hundred drunk drivers line up for a cross-country competition, it will be a race you won’t forget and they won’t remember.

The best drunk drivers in the nation have gathered at the U.S. Capitol for a race to the Pacific Ocean. They have talent. They have ambition. They have breathalyzers in their cars that will shut off the engine if the driver’s blood alcohol content drops below .16. The flag drops at the height of rush hour.

After a fifty-car pileup at the starting line and dozens of major accidents on the streets of D.C., only six cars make it out of the city. Second-string stockcar drivers, German Kung Fu masters, forgotten Soviet sleeper agents, frat boys, an unemployed sommelier, and a washed-up 80s pop star battle it out in this grueling, action-packed race. Facing overwhelming obstacles and outrageous intoxication, the racers battle the police, AA sponsors, each other, and themselves for the grand prize of one million dollars and a free liver transplant.

From the most sardonic voice in modern fiction comes a debaucherous action-comedy in the form of a bizarro “Cannonball Run.”

 

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Where To Find Bizarro Fiction In Los Angeles This Weekend

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Bizarro Fiction writers invade Los Angeles for AWP 2016 and Days of the Dead Convention Thursday, March 31st – Sunday April 3rd!

Who:

David Agranoff, Laura Lee Bahr, Leza Cantoral, Brian Allen Carr, Autumn Christian, Noah Cicero, Rios De La Luz,  Juliet Escoria, Constance Ann Fitzgerald, Cody Goodfellow, Gabino Iglesias, M.P. Johnson, Michael Kazepis, Sean Kilpatrick, Andrea Kneeland, Marc Levinthal, Ross E. Lockhart, Kevin Maloney, Scott McClanahan, J. David Osborne, Christoph Paul, Cameron Pierce, Tiffany Scandal, Michael Seidlinger, John Skipp, Danger Slater, Bix Skahill, Anthony Trevino, Grant Wamack

Where:

AWP Conference & Book Fair, Los Angeles Convention Center, Booth #431
We have your essential weird fiction pop-up store set up at Booth #431 in the exhibit hall at AWP. You can find titles from Eraserhead Press, Lazy Fascist Press, Fungasm Press, Word Horde, Broken River Books, Lady Box Books, and King Shot Press! Come visit us for personalized recommendations and find out what’s new and what’s hot.

There are TONS of FREE offsite events associated with AWP. Here’s just a few where you will find your bizarro friends:
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  • Days of the Dead Convention, Los Angeles Burbank Hotel
    Friday night Splatterpunk legend John Skipp (The Light at the End, Tales of Halloween) moderates this wild discussion DAYS OF THE DEAD: Los Angeles 2016 with some of its finest new writers, showing how Bizarro differs from more traditional horror, science fiction, fantasy, and mainstream tales.Featuring authors:
    Danger Slater (I Will Rot Without You)
    Laura Lee Bahr (Haunt & Long-Form Religious Porn)
    Cody Goodfellow (All-Monster Action)
    Autumn Christian (Ecstatic Inferno)
    MP Johnson (Dungeons & Drag Queens)
    And books will be for sale all weekend at our table in the vendor room!

Dark-Delicacies

  • Mass Autograph Signing at Dark Delicacies Bookstore in Burbank, CA
    The weekend will culminate in a giant bizarro bonanza at the coolest bookshop in Burbank on Sunday. If you do one this this weekend, this should be it!Featuring authors:
    JOHN SKIPP (The Art of Horrible People)
    LAURA LEE BAHR (Long-Form Religious Porn)
    DANGER SLATER (I Will Rot Without You)
    AUTUMN CHRISTIAN (Ecstatic Inferno )
    CODY GOODFELLOW (The Last Goddam Hollywood Movie)
    MP JOHNSON (Dungeons and Drag Queens)
    J DAVID OSBORNE (Low Down Death Right Easy)
    RIOS DE LA LUZ (The Pulse between Dimensions and the Desert)
    TIFFANY SCANDAL (Jigsaw Youth)
    MICHAEL KAZEPIS (Long Lost Dog of It)
    MARC LEVINTHAL (The Emerald Burrito of Oz)
    DAVID AGRANOFF (Amazing Punk Stories)
    ROSS E. LOCKHART (anthology wizard)
    GABINO IGLESIAS (Zero Saints)
    CHRISTOPH PAUL (Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks)
    LEZA CANTORAL (Planet Mermaid)
    CONSTANCE ANN FITZGERALD (Trashland A Go-Go)
    GRANT WAMACK (A Lightbulb’s Lament )
    BIX SKAHILL (Babes in Gangland )
    ANTHONY TREVINO (King Space Void)
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12 Reasons I Love Being a Book Publisher

407137_348014485226331_404612329_nSometimes it’s important to reflect on why we do what we do. Today, I thought I’d share with you some of the reasons I love book publishing.
by Rose O’Keefe, owner of Eraserhead Press and imprints Deadite Press, Lazy Fascist Press, Fungasm Press, Spunk Goblin Press, The New Bizarro Author Series and the Magazine of Bizarro Fiction. An independent publishing company since 1999. 

  1. I love books and love sharing stories with people.
    • My passion for books is lifelong. I love reading them, I love creating them, I love owning them and I love sharing them. A good story can transport you, transform you, and teach you about life, yourself and other people.
  2. I love creating an entertaining experience for people.
    • Whether it be the experience of reading a great story or attending a fun party. I love thinking about the type of experience I want people to have when they first discover one of our books or interact with us online or in person.
  3. I love bringing people together to share their talents and create cool things.
    • From writers to artists to editors to designers to booksellers, so much talent is involved in the creation and release of a book. I delight in coordinating projects and bringing together talented individuals to create something greater than the sum of its parts.
  4. I love encouraging people to read and talking to them about books.
    • See also #1. Reading is sexy. Enough said.
  5. I love interacting with artistic, creative, passionate people.
    • This has been my life goal since I was a little kid. I didn’t care what I did, as long as it involved lots of people with creative passion.
  6. I love doing something that challenges my intellect and emotions and allows me to experience the feeling that I am contributing to something greater than myself.
    • Owning a business, being a community leader, teaching, creating events and works of art challenge me fully in all the best ways. I am grateful every day for the challenges that offer opportunities for my personal growth and experience of life.
  7. I love injecting some surprise and fun into people’s lives.
    • I’ve always been unconventional. I like to publish books that people wouldn’t find anywhere else. Books that are fun and surprising and bring people joy.
  8. I love doing business in alignment with my highest values with people I trust and respect.
    • I am lucky to have the ability to choose the way in which I work and the good fortune to work with such people.
  9. I love creating experiences where outsiders and people who are often on the fringe feel less alone.
    • In books I have found solace, camaraderie, and information otherwise hidden from my experience. There’s nothing quite like reading a book that feels like it was meant just for you. Discovering that you are not alone in the deepest, darkest, or weirdest thoughts you’ve ever imagined brings a great sense of connection and belonging that I, for one, continuously crave. I also like to incorporate this sensibility into the events I create and the way that I do business with people.
  10. I love promoting the idea that uniqueness and oddity are interesting and beautiful.
    • Because it is. I look for stories that express this is some way. This is a quality of all the art I admire.
  11. I love contributing to culture in a way that encourages intelligence, open mindedness and acceptance.
    • Some of my core values! To appreciate Bizarro Fiction takes an open mind. I will endeavor to always do everything in my power to promote free speech and creative expression.
  12. I love to cheer on talent that I admire and share it with others.
    • Because LOVE!
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Fall 2015 New Releases from Eraserhead Press – Kyle Muntz and Carlton Mellick III

Available now! Eraserhead Press is pleased to present our book releases for Fall 2015.

1621052060 SCARY PEOPLE by Kyle Muntz

“Kind of like what might happen if Richard Brautigan had been hired to co-write an episode of Adventure Time. Scary People is playful and painful and surreally real, and great fun to read.” – BRIAN EVENSON

It’s about a group of friends in a place called the City, who keep dying and coming back to life. There are pirates, pedophile aliens, streets full of crucified prostitutes, a serial killer who bakes cakes out of children. Reading this will feel like a throwback to classic early-years Eraserhead, while also embodying an anime vibe that we don’t see nearly enough of in bizarro.

 

1621052079 BIO MELT by Carlton Mellick III

Nobody goes into the Wire District anymore. The place is an industrial wasteland of poisonous gas clouds and lakes of toxic sludge. The machines are still running, the drone-operated factories are still spewing biochemical fumes over the city, but the place has lain abandoned for decades.

When the area becomes flooded by a mysterious black ooze, six strangers find themselves trapped in the Wire District with no chance of escape or rescue. Banding together, they must find a way through the sea of bio-waste before the deadly atmosphere wipes them out. But there are dark things growing within the toxic slime around them, grotesque mutant creatures that have long been forgotten by the rest of civilization. They are known only as clusters–colossal monstrosities made from the fused-together body parts of a thousand discarded clones. They are lost, frightened, and very, very hungry.

It’s Attack on Titan meets David Cronenberg’s Videodrome in this apocalyptic cyberpunk horror novel by the mutton-chopped kingpin of bizarro fiction, Carlton Mellick III.

                                                                                      BUY NOW

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LONG-FORM RELIGIOUS PORN by Laura Lee Bahr

EDITOR’S NOTE — This is a chapter from the Fungasm Press title, LONG-FORM RELIGIOUS PORN. Reprinted here as part of the Indiegogo campaign, now coming up on its final 24 hours! https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/fungasm-press-official-pre-sale-launch-party]

LONG-FORMcover

Chapter 1:

A Sick Friend

“—and that is why it must be George Clooney.”

Madeline Hunter is talking to be overheard, mouth full of guacamole. Her mother often told her talking with her mouth full was rude, but Madeline Hunter never shut up long enough to hear it. She swallows and drains her margarita, her eyes toward the door.

She continues talking in a litany that involves the following themes:

And why wouldn’t he be in? The movie is POLITICAL. The movie is SEXUAL. The movie has MYSTERY and blood and gore. And it is extremely well written. And it isn’t just Madeline that thinks so. The person who did coverage on it at ICM, he thought so, too; in fact, ICM (that’s one of the twin towers of representation in Hollywood, folks) said they would come on and represent the script—but not with Madeline as a director. They would want to attach a name director.

Madeline practically spits the last sentence, and then waves a hand through her black bob and strikes a pose like she is all Louise Brooks in the “Pandora’s Box.”

Fuck them! It is so fucking hard for women directors in this town. This town is filled with misogynists. That’s what drove someone like Dominique Colt to commit bloody murder the way she did. Don’t any of them get that? Right?”

Dieter Künstwerk, her companion across the booth, is not his usual responsive self. Normally, he’d already have fired back twelve witty rejoinders and a partridge in a pear tree. But he barely manages a head nod, after a pause so pregnant she is about to induce it with another “right?!” She notices for the first time that Dieter is not his usual dapper self, either. He looks like shit, frankly.

They are meeting at Casa Vega, where George Clooney is rumored to show up from time to time, which is as dark as a tomb even in the daytime.

Dieter has his sunglasses on. And he is not eating anything, meaning Madeline is eating the guacamole, the chips and salsa, and was the only one who ordered a margarita and a veggie burrito. She certainly doesn’t need to eat all this food by herself, even if she is only behind the camera.

Hey, you feeling okay, Deets?”

Dieter shakes his head. He had some eye surgery thing done—that’s why the sunglasses—and he has been having other medical issues lately.

Madeline gets a twinge of worry. Here she has been prattling on about George Clooney and Dieter might be dying. Fuck. What kind of friend is she, anyway? A shitty one, she knows it, but Dieter’s the best friend she’s got. She hopes to fuck he’s okay. Who else will listen to her bullshit?

So what’s the diagnosis? What do you got? Is it some weird illness or something?”

Dieter shakes his head. “No, it’s not an illness per se,” he says with a bit of a theatrical flip of his wrist. “It’s a condition.”

Well, what kind of condition?”

It’s a sensitivity to sunlight.”

Jesus, you are in the wrong town for that,” Madeline says. “All we got is sunlight.”

Dieter manages a weak smile. He has started to notice that.

She asks if doctors are making progress. How does this condition improve? Dieter says it is a chronic condition. In fact it is only going to get worse.

Shit! No more beach days?” Madeline says.

And Dieter starts to cry.

Madeline is appalled at her own insensitivity. Why, George Clooney could walk in at any moment and see her with this friend who clearly looks like he has something fatal and she is making him cry and she would look even worse when she left her sick crying friend and approached Clooney to hand him a script. But Dieter would understand. He is as shallow and opportunist as anyone. He would leave her drunk and puking at a bar to go home with a random hot bear in leather any day of the week… and had.

Madeline moves over to sit next to Dieter. Who cares if now she no longer has a view of the door. Fuck George Clooney. In one hundred years they would all be dead and who would care anyway whether she made this movie or if she ever met George Clooney or directed his next big thing. She is smart enough to be philosophical about everything, when it comes right down to it. Her heart: Ice cold.

Speaking of which, that is Dieter to the touch. She puts her arm around him and is even more alarmed. He is really thin and pasty and cold. She holds his little shoulders as they rock.

Hey, hey!” she says. “It’ll be all right. I think. Won’t it?”

Dieter shakes his head.

So he is dying then, that is it. Shit! She should write a movie about this. This would be a totally guerilla style indie. Fuck Hollywood. She doesn’t need their shit. She’ll just get a camera and chronicle the death of Dieter.

The Death of Dieter: It would be so moving— so sad— the story of a twenty-eight year old destined to die of some strange disease…. and, of course, the story of their eight year friendship, begun as sophomores at University of Southern California (USC), when she convinced him to skip class and go watch the Dominique Colt court case instead—

I wanna stop, Mads.”

Now that is interesting. Stop? She adjusts her thinking. Okay, so he’s lied to her. He is on drugs. Shit! Another stupid friend on drugs. She has no time in her life for stupid fucking addicts. Goddamn it Dieter, what a shit-head!

How can I help?” Madeline asks, in her most helpful voice, realizing immediately how much she has no desire to help.

Dieter takes off his sunglasses.

Madeline almost screams and jumps out of the booth. His eyes are fucking RED. Not red like he’s been crying. Red like his pupils are totally Amityville Horror Pig “GET OUT” fucking Red.

Can you keep a secret?” he asks.

She could not, never had, but she nods.

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MOSQUITO STORIES by Violet LeVoit

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[EDITOR’S NOTE — This insane short story is taken from the Fungasm Press collection I AM GENGHIS CUM by Violet LeVoit. Reprinted here as part of the Indiegogo campaign, now in the last days of its triumphant run! https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/fungasm-press-official-pre-sale-launch-party]

Mosquito Stories

(with apologies to William Vollmann)

I’m going to whore my way across the Arctic. This will be a complicated trip involving many logistical decisions but the only thing you need to know is that I chose lambskin, not latex condoms, and once I get there I’m going to gut seals and tear out their intestines and make my own sealskin condoms. That is really the most important thing about this journey.

I have high standards. It’s true Arctic pussy I want. I’m not going to squander myself on the way. I’m going to keep it in my pants in upstate, keep it in my pants when I cross the Canadian border, keep it in my pants across Ontario and Quebec and the Iqaluit archipelago. When I cross the Arctic Circle, Katie bar the door. I’ll fuck everything in sight. When I say everything, I mean people, and when I say people I mean women. I have high standards.

Everyone whores their way across Southeast Asia. That’s the cool thing to do. Everyone thinks they’re Hunter S. Thompson on a bender in Soi Cowboy, baptized in the se`ropositive cunt of some Myanmar 8th grader. No thanks. The Arctic is untouched. My dick will find hospitable cushion in velvety Inuit snatch, in slant-eyed tundra unspoiled beneath permafrost. Like a melted Klondike bar, crisp and icy on the inside and all vanilla butterfat in the middle. (They’re all the same gene pool as in Bangkok, anyway. Land bridge and all.) I have packed sticks of butter and mukluks and a carbine rifle. I will shoot caribou to feed the dogs, and I will chaw butter for energy. That’s what they eat in the Iditarod. Full of saturated fat.

I have just crossed into the Arctic circle. The dogs are yelping and hissing, huuuhhhh, white breath in the air. I start looking for women.

There’s this joke about this guy in the Arctic, this hermit. He’s all alone in a little lean-to shack, until one day there’s a knock at the door. Come on out, the stranger says. We’re going to a party. They trudge into the snow. Now, I gotta warn you, the stranger says, There’s gonna be drinking at this party. Fine by me, says the guy. And there’s gonna be fighting, warns the stranger. Bring it on, says the guy. And just to let you know, says the stranger, there’s gonna be sex. Wild Arctic sex . Hot damn, says the guy. So who else is going to be at this party? Oh, says the stranger, it’s just you and me.

Heh, heh.

No, seriously, people think that joke is funny because of its desperation. That men’s standards are constant and fluctuating and sink to rock bottom in hostile enough circumstances. My standards are unwavering. The need in my balls ticks along like an atomic clock. Other men fear me because I have standards. Other men fear me because I can wait. Men like me, we need a wilderness. Unspoiled by the pissing and wretching and posturing and groveling of other men. I need a wide Arctic like the blankest piece of paper.

I set up camp. I sleep. I don’t even allow myself a wet dream. The dogs whine outside and I purposely tease myself. I see the land bridge of fat gold flesh spread between the wet pink triangular corners of my beloved’s Mongoloid eyes. I see the plush mauve spread of her mouth and the tiny thorn fringe of black bee stinger eyelashes peeking out from the swollen hood of her eyelids. I see the black triangle and the owl eyes of her nipples. Then I go to sleep, undisturbed.

Come out, the stranger says. We’re going to a party. They trudge into the snow. Fuck your party, the guy says. I don’t want anything you can give me.

I pack up camp. I ride. I glide on the back of my sled as my dogs yip and strain and propel me through a flat white void that never changes. My thighs are not sore at the end of day. I set up camp. I sleep. The dogs won’t sleep. They’re hungry. They’re anxious and nippy in that anorectic way. I didn’t see caribou today. They eat tomorrow. I chaw my stick of butter and don’t let them have any of it. I am the lead dog and they need to see that.

I test myself again. This time the swell of her buttocks, the way her thick Eskimo cheeks smush into a sealskin pillow and the ouch-ouch-ouch look of pleasure on her face as I ram her from behind. I don’t even itch when I close my eyes. Gandhi tested his celibacy by sleeping next to nude virgins. I out-Gandhi Gandhi. Gandhi’s got nothing on me.

I pack up camp. I ride. No caribou today. The dogs are unruly. I take out my stick of butter and a dog butts into me below the knee, knocking me back a step. I drop the butter and five dogs crowd around it, ten dogs crowd around them, yowling and squealing. I take out my rifle. I smash the ringleader’s head. The butt slips. He dances away. I can’t kill them all. They already ate the butter. Even the greasy wax paper is gone. I zip up my tent and eat another stick in private. The dogs dance and bay around the outside, their bodies black and sharp like pine trees on the orange nylon. I got the kind of tent that has a bottom sewn in. They paw and dig at the seam. Their nails make a zuh zuh zuh zuh sound on the nylon. I listen all night. Zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh.

Zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh. Come out, the stranger says. Come out, come out, come out. I want your butter. Zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh zuh.

I wake up. They tore the pack to bits, gobbled up my butter in the night. Knocked over all my supplies. Left my matches to leach red phosphorous in the snow. I could shoot one dog and feed them all. Would they eat their packmate, I wonder? Would I? Raw dog meat steaming in the cold. I ponder it. Then I remember caribou and seal and white lardy slabs of whale blubber. Full of omega-3s, I bet.

I can wait for the good stuff.

I pack up, tired. I harness the dogs. They nip at me. They growl at me. I kick them, hard, in the ribs. Their growls punch with the extra air like a bagpipe note, ggggRRggRRRghggRRR.

I ride. The white never changes. The mosquitos are a thick grey fog of needles. Nobody told me about the mosquitos. The whining is unbearable. The sled dog’s asses bob in a sea of fur in front of me. They pucker like a woman’s mouth. If you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes.

I’m very hungry. I actually don’t know how to hunt seals. Penguins are easy, I hear. Penguins walked right up to Admiral Perry, practically bowed down and presented their tuxedoed necks to be rung. Was it Admiral Perry? Is it penguins or polar bears here? I’m not stupid enough to think they’re in the same place. I’m not stupid enough for a lot of things. I’m still going to faint.

There’s a black smudge on the horizon.

My heart leaps. I steer the dogs.

It’s a woman. A native. Standing over a pile of bloody fish, that two-pronged kakivak fishing tool in her hands. I’m so hungry I can smell the fat in the air, smell the iron tang of the fish blood spilled on the snow, smell the punk musty stink of female skin oils rising from her unwashed furs. She looked like the goddess Nuliajuk. I bet she is hungry for a man like me and kills fish as some kind of hunter-gatherer sublimation for the sex she can’t have. I bet the juice in her pussy is full of omega-3s.

I have a plan. I will not call her an Eskimo because that’s considered pejorative. I would find out if she was Inuit or Yupik, and then I would address her properly. She’s probably a virgin, so I would show her how to tongue kiss, and then give her oral pleasure the likes of which she’d never had. This all before I introduce the concept of vaginal intercourse to her, which may take some explaining. I would explain push ups and jumping jacks to her. Then I would make her do pushups and jumping jacks until the piss inside her was superheated and she would piss on me and it would be the warmest water I had felt in months. My mouth waters. Oh my god, she is the great Whale, the Whale whose offal gives Vitamin A in its liver and Vitamin C in its adrenals and whose voluptuous carcass keeps on giving and giving and giving . . .

Hi,” I say.

She lifts her kakivak and stabs me in the neck. The two bone barbs rip through my jugulars. One time when I was a kid I punched bottle opener holes in a big economy sized can of V-8 and the thick red juice shot out of the triangles in a solid tomato rainbow, all over the table. This is just like that V-8 can, I thought as I fell backwards and the red rainbow gushed and I couldn’t see or talk or think. It only hurt about 15 seconds later, once the wind kicked up in the cuts.

She took the sled dogs.

As I lay dying I remembered this one party I went to. It might have been at the first college I went to but I transferred out of there after only one semester so it was probably the second one. There were these three girls there and I was striking out with two of them but the third, the sandy blonde in the ice-blue shirt, the one with the tennis racket charm on the little gold chain and the parentheses slouch around the shoulder blades you sometimes see on tall girls with big breasts, the ones that are shy about both, and maybe she was shy about her big tennis arms too because she kept hugging her chest. She was sort of looking at me. I didn’t say anything. I thought she was too tall and I guessed that her breasts sagged and her girlfriends were Asian besides. I should have told her that joke, the one about the two guys in the Arctic and how it’s just you and me. She would have laughed, I bet. I should have said that. That would have worked.

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Sneak Preview: New Bizarro Author Series 2015 – Coming November 2015!

2015 marks the seventh year of annual releases from our series designed to introduce readers to work by new authors in the Bizarro Fiction genre, and with nine new authors it’s our biggest lineup to date!

This year, we brought on editor Garrett Cook to curate the series. Cook has his finger on the pulse of the Bizarro Fiction genre and has long been a champion of new writers. As a workshop instructor, freelance editor, Wonderland Award Winning author and two-time Champion of the Ultimate Bizarro Showdown, I knew I could trust Garrett not only to find us freshest voices with bizarro sensibilities but also make sure that they would satisfy bizarro fiction fans.

What can we look forward to from this year’s New Bizarro Author Series?
EXPLOSIONS! GUITAR SOLOS! FULL FRONTAL NUDITY!

Okay, fine. It won’t be those things but this year we’ve got an erotic thriller about a man falling for a spider, life inside a giant planet eating robot, a Gamergater at a high school for Japanese magical girls, Alice Cooper’s head, Van Gogh as an ice cool 80s vice cop, the terrible truth behind rainbows, living siege towers in a Kaiju ravaged future, hijinks at a Summer camp for slashers and a Brazilian giant much loved by our community tells the story of a headless boy and a yellow balloon seeking the meaning of life at an insane apocalyptic mall. We think you’ll find pretty much everything there is to love about the genre in these nine books by authors from four different countries, stories that range from bent science fiction to splatstick to psychedelia. These books are fucking cool and so are the people who wrote them.

The books will be released November 5, 2015 to correspond with the first night of the 8th Annual BizarroCon. For now, here’s a sneak peak at the covers and authors:

Elephant Vice by Chris Meekings

“Elephant Vice”
Chris Meekings

He’s  the master of post impressionism. He’s the Hindu  Remover of Obstacles. They’re cops.

Vincent Van Gogh is a cop with a dark past. He painted some of the greatest artistic masterpieces of our time. He cut off his ear out of love for a prostitute. He was a great painter. He isn’t anymore. He’s a tough as nails loose cannon cop who plays by his own rules. When a drug called **** hits the streets, it starts turning people into the object their essence most resembles. Van Gogh is put on the case. But this hard case has a new partner. His methods are unusual, his attitude incompatible and he has the head of an elephant. He’s the Hindu God Ganesha. Can these two put aside their differences and learn to work together? Probably. It’s a buddy cop thing.

Slasher Camp For Nerd Dorks by Christoph Paul

“Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks”
Christoph Paul

Freddy versus Jason Meets Wet Hot American Summer. Nuff Said.

Jason Voorheesberg has struggled to become the great slasher his mom believes he can be and has as bad case of Slasher Anxiety. He is sent to one of the worse ranked camps for young slashers: Slasher Camp for Nebulous Youth #987.When she drops Jason off at the camp, he gets bullied by the Jock Slashers and is attacked by the rich, snooty protagonists of the rival Final Camp across the lake. He hates the camp and is considered the worst slasher by the Pred counselors. Even though he makes a friend with Slasher Candybee Wamack and develops a forbidden relationship with a Slazer (Final Girl who slays Slashers), he struggles even more with his slasher anxiety. Can love (and homicide) conquer all and save Jason from a life of mediocrity?

Towers by Karl Fischer

“Towers”
Karl Fischer

When we are locked inside ourselves, nothing outside could be worse.

After fighting giant monsters for a thousand years, a sentient guard tower is set to go to heaven with his soulmate. But for reasons unknown, the lovers are reborn as lowly humans living inside the Towers they once operated. Separated by thousands of miles and trapped within menageries of horror, only a profound transformation of mind and body can reunite them.

Pixiegate Madoka by Michael Sean LeSueur

“Pixiegate Madoka”
Michael  Sean LeSueur

Does a Gamergater have what it takes to be part of Japan’s worst magical girl squad? Fuck no.

Julian Argento is a socially-awkward, Reddit-obsessed nerd about to start his junior year of high school. He finds his foreign exchange program request to Japan has been approved, and he’ll be joined by an “almost perfect” dream girl that looks just like his crush Jennifer Lawrence—That is, until he enters the wrong transfer rocket and is sent to Urobochi High, academy for Magical Girls. He is assigned to the “kitchen appliance” squad, and he must learn to be good-hearted, maintain friendships, and spread love in order to become a true Magical Girl… all while stopping his psychotic sister and her sea punk boyfriend from destroying Japan with their dark powers. Shouldn’t be too hard. After all, he’s a “nice guy”!

Benjamin by Pedro Proenca

“Benjamin”
Pedro Proenca

Sometimes, hope is a yellow balloon named Benjamin. Life kinda sucks for Benjamin.

The mall shouldn’t be a dangerous place. You shouldn’t have to fear green men abducting you and feeding you to a tentacle monster. You shouldn’t have to fear the anaconda that serves as the staircase to the movie theater. And you shouldn’t have to face off against ice cream men with a strange knowledge of black holes. But if you’re Benjamin – a sentient yellow balloon – or the Boy, his headless chubby teen sidekick, you have to fear all those things. Because this mall is sick, and it’s your job to heal it, or go insane trying.

King Space Void by Anthony Trevino

“King Space Void”
Anthony Trevino

When you love someone, sometimes they can mean the whole world to you. Or several worlds.

King Space Void is a planet-eating entity whose consciousness resides in the body of a gargantuan machine made to look like a man and powered by thousands of people. Dane Shipps is one of the best workers of in King Space Void, until the day he finds a mangled woman named Scarlet still alive and intertwined in the machine’s ductwork who convinces him to step outside of his routine. Together they plan to take down King Space Void and everyone inside.

Rainbows Suck by Madeleine Swann

“Rainbows Suck”
Madeleine Swann

Finally, the terrifying truth behind rainbows

Tilly, an aspiring artist has been chosen by a race of evil rainbows from space to become a work of art. Works of art are forced to entertain people and gain votes on a crazy reality program to avoid being devoured by the rainbows. What seemed like a dream becomes a nightmare as Tilly is forced to indulge in escalating acts of degradation and insanity to protect herself from these colorful abominations.

Rock n Roll Headcase by Lee Widener

“Rock ‘N’ Roll Head Case”
Lee Widener

When Alice Cooper’s head starts telling you what to do, you probably shouldn’t listen. Chaino Durante did. And this is his story.

Chaino Durante works at the worst fast food restaurant ever. He has the worst job in this fast food restaurant. And the worst life he possibly can. When he discovers a mysterious bag in the fryer, he takes it home. The bag contains the head of rock and roll icon Alice Cooper. This is unfortunate. What’s more unfortunate is that Chaino gets the gun he’s going to use to rob his workplace stuck in the head and the head stuck on his hand.  A new weapon is formed. A weapon that lets Chaino rob his workplace and subvert the order of the world around him. A weapon that blasts holes in reality itself, which does not come without consequence. A no holds barred psychedelic cartoon in the tradition of Bill Plympton and Ralph Bakshi, with Pink Floyd’s The Wall thrown in for good measure, Rock N’ Roll Headcase explores the ins and outs of expanding consciousness with a madness that never lets up.

Arachnophile by Betty Rocksteady

“Arachnophile”
Betty Rocksteady

Hatred and desire collide when the girl next door is a giant spider

Alex’s arachnophobia may be old fashioned, but he’s able to live a life of relative peace despite it. That all changes when a spider moves in next door. His girlfriend is sick of his attitude and begs him to give the new neighbor a chance. He overcomes his fear, but finds a twisted sexuality in its place. His attraction to the spider affects all areas of his life, and changes everything he thought he knew.

COMING NOVEMBER 2015!!!

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HUMAN FURNITURE (AND THE SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT WOMAN) by Devora Gray

[EDITOR’S NOTE — This is Chapter One of the Fungasm Press title, HUMAN FURNITURE (AND THE SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT WOMAN). Reprinted here as part of the Indiegogo campaign, now entering its second and final week!https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/fungasm-press-official-pre-sale-launch-party]

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A Typical Session

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning”

~Smashing Pumpkins

Time to get up. I can’t sleep when the sun starts poking its business through the Roman shade. In the morning, I’m all business and it’s time to check emails before the rest of my day as an entrepreneur commences. There’s a promise of a nap if I have a session past 2 AM. Night is the time for deviant thoughts and quiet fantasies when I’m too tired to judge their stability. Darkness has always been a blanket and a friend, warm and intimate with plenty of false promises told extravagantly well.

What is a sessionist, a session wrestler? Let’s take a look at the sexual provider world.

On one end, you have the prostitution business, a land in which you can find almost anyone to do almost anything, regardless of how much the provider despises what’s she’s being asked to do. On the other side, what the BDSM world calls a Mistress, in which you can find almost anyone not to care how much you suffer at her expense. Loosely translated, escorts are paid to say “yes.” Dominas are paid to say “no.”

In the very center where gravity has its most settling effect lay the land of session wrestlers or women who care what you’d like to do as long as it doesn’t exceed their own boundaries. Don’t get me wrong, you can mix n’ match. The ambiguity is thick like pea soup, but for now, trust me when I say it’s all about the intention.

This gray area holds wrestling, domination, sexuality, fantasy, you name it. That’s where I am. I have swung to both sides of the extreme, like an enormous pendulum in a grandfather clock, digging away the seconds one scoop at a time.

It begins with a simple email. I’ve had a professional website going over six years. At one time it was very odd to broadcast one’s own dimensions, attributes, and talents in hopes of finding likable partners looking for the same. Now it’s commonplace to view myself or rather Scarlett as a marketable commodity. A gallery, contact page, erotica, nothing but cyber postcards really. The blush has faded from the rose.

I don’t post my phone number because I don’t want potential harassers, poor kids stuck in the basement diddling for phone sex, religious nut jobs, or stalkers. My disclaimer on my site is typical legal limbo:

By entering, you agree to the following:

1. That you are a minimum of at least 18 years of age.

2. Viewing of adult material is legal within your community and state.

3. You are not offended by adult material.

4. You are not employed by, or an agent of, law enforcement.

5. You will not allow the contents of this site to be viewed by anyone under the age of 18.

6. You will not copy, or use, alter, or steal any part of this website for use elsewhere.

7. You understand that money exchanged for services is simply for time and companionship only. Anything that may or may not occur is a matter of personal choice between two or more consenting adults of legal age and is not contract for, requested to be contracted for or compensated for in any manner. Any offer of prostitution, though understandable if you’re just sharing a fantasy, will more than likely piss me off. I’m a lady. Treat me as such and we’ll be fast confidantes.

This is posted for the same reason coffee cups, department stores, rental cars, hotels, restaurants, and public pools have some sort of tiny script stating the obvious; the establishment is not liable for injury. I’m fairly certain that one guest out of a hundred actually reads this.

It’s time to change up the website. It’s been the same layout, same header, same message for over a year. I view the Scarlett site like I view shoes, hairstyles, costuming, make-up, and all other fancy wrappings of commercialism. In the age of instant gratification, the “newness” factor is what attracts and keeps the green enthusiasts, whereas the hardcore fans are those that want to see I equal their passion for the sport.

From the feedback I’ve received, there are a number of reasons my clientele is attracted to Scarlett. The writing is a big part and confirms my belief that most men who are intelligent look for extra curricular activities that are as discerning as their fantasies. More than a picture, a story, a cookie-cutter greeting, they desire a conversation. The sexy pictures of one’s self in provocative display doesn’t hurt, either.

To generalize, the perfect woman is forever evolving but at her core she is everything a man could wish for: beautiful face, athletic but feminine body, and a rapier mind capable of turning his life upside down. This is a woman who can reflect everything a man wants to believe about himself.

One out of ten emails sounds like this:

Hey, you’re really hot! I wanna wrestle you in a school girl outfit like Britney Spears.”

Once perhaps, this ideal woman made a man feel ten feet tall and that was her job. I want to dress the unknown offender like a Barbie doll and throw him to the G.I. Joes. I don’t. Even if that bi-line is weak, there is a human beneath it, and even if I’m not the right outlet, I can at least direct him to a more adequate route. Times are changing.

It takes serious balls to actively seek out something considered against the norm, and super balls to invest hard-earned money and time in an earnest hope that it happens with the same person advertised.

When you add the risk level, the fact that you never really know exactly who you’re talking to, the possibilities of mishap are endless. Might as well sign up for an experimental drug or take a desert drive in a pimped out Cadillac sandwiched between two dime-slinging G’s.

When it comes down to the bare bones of why some women succeed at desirability and others don’t, I’d say the Beauty Pageant is 90% responsible at first sight.

After catching a man’s attention, the real skill is in communicating a level of competence and invitation without coming across as desperate for work. I have to check the mirror for comparisons, I have to define what is beautiful and what is real, I have to be the fantasy. Research, society, and my own ideals of how a dominant, self-assured woman walks her talk pave the way in boring details that become vital in a really cool story. Or not.

Some folks like the natural look, face scrubbed and youthful starry-eyed ambivalence of a swinging ponytail. Others, they aren’t getting much glamor at home and a red-lipsticked coiffed pedigree rings their bell for all its lethal feminism. The perfect balance in this niche is a mix of both. Either way, you’re going to wrestle and you’re going to sweat that make-up off. Best not to gild the lily when it will surely wilt layers of plaster.

I don’t remember my real hair color. Have no clue. When my days are done and they are roasting me in a furnace somewhere, I will still have colorful hair. This isn’t without work and a healthy wad of dough. Dye jobs fade quickly and I like hot showers. The same goes with nails, which reminds me, it’s time for a manicure. These puppies are more addictive than peanut M&Ms. I love changing the length, the color, the shape. I’ve played with them so long I never worry about scratching my playmates.

I have to find a nurse uniform for later this week. I take costume requests. Villains, secretaries, 1980’s GLOW girl, fitness instructor, pin-up femme fatale, Roman Goddess, the list goes on. Halloween is never a problem. Playing dress up gets me in the mood. The more tools I have, the more I will embody the fantasy.

At any rate I don’t have time to attend to rituals today. I have an early appointment. 11 AM. These aren’t so bad. They always make me feel like I’m going to the gym for personal trainer abuse.

The client in question, I’ve put him off two separate times in the last three days. Scheduling conflicts. I hate when this happens, I feel bad about it. Everyone’s time is as important as mine. If I’m completely honest, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go to this one. He’s staying Downtown and I hate Downtown hotels. The casinos are caves, low mirrored ceilings that reflect dingy carpets, dingy lights, dingy slot machines. The cocktail waitresses are grand-mothered in and they wear that fact on their faces. The patrons of these hotels could be beaten down retirees spending their pension or youngsters busing their way across the desert. Downtown is getting a makeover. Downtown is the best place to score drugs without trying.

Because my guy is so amendable to my hectic schedule, I feel indebted. It’s also his story, or the short nibble that he gave me in email, that encourages me to pull up the bootstraps and be my word. A Vegas trip was a yearly staple for him and his wife. Ten years running, his girl had loved to wrestle and yet he was here alone, a fact I vaguely catalogued as important.

Walking into any hotel/casino has become forever branded in my mind as going to work even when I’m not there for work. A discreet dress, a business suit, sunglasses, hair up, I try to look executive and unapproachable. From the parking garage to the guest elevators, my stride eats up the distance like I’m late for a corporate luncheon. Not that my kind are targeted by the city in a wrestling ring crack-down, it’s the principle. I am not flashy. Flashy means attention. Neither my guy nor I need or want the extra attention.

I breathe through my mouth in halls that look and smell like bleach, beer, and spilled bong-water. I find his door and shove a piece of gum into my mouth. Half of my day feels like used chewing gum. He has already displaced furniture, stripping the top sheet of the Queen-sized bed and laid it on a 10 x 10 square where we will throw down.

A is quiet and resigned. He smiles but doesn’t engage. Once upon a time I thought men like this opened the door and were disappointed at what they found. Conspiracy theory would take over. The language of The Assumption. I’m not thin enough, buff enough, pretty enough, skilled enough. None of that was true but it gave me the opportunity to prove myself, to myself, over and over, which stuck as empowering over time. What doesn’t kill you and all.

To look and feel his energy now, his reticence isn’t about me. It’s never about me but every woman he’s experienced in his life. Put them all together, ideally, that’s his perfect woman. He’s quiet because he’s a private person, his generation doesn’t spill the beans to those they don’t know.

Probably in his mid-40’s, this is my range. From the 21-year-old burgeoning alcoholics to the 72 year-old veterans that play, most are middle-aged and have the same story with varying details.

Imagine that you are young, very young and at the cusp of sexual awakening. Puberty isn’t discussed, it’s dealt with under flannel sheets and quaking wet dreams of unknown origin. Before this, before sex mattered and took over, you are innocent and free to play with nothing more than the sun as a dinner-time guardian. There’s a girl down the street. She’s just a girl and nothing more yet. The idea of dating and mating hasn’t been introduced outside of the unspoken glances your folks sometimes share over coffee. She is a Cop and you are the Robber. She is the Indian, you are the Cowboy. You share things with her, bugs, cartoons, secrets and then you forget what you tell her because there’s no such thing as stress and it’s time to play tag.

You live on a block where people don’t speed, where everyone knows each other, and kids that disrespect their elders, their mothers, it’s the belt when Dad gets home. You live in a world where Dad comes home.

The little girl down the street, she’s bigger than you. It’s a growth spurt thing but you don’t know this. All you know is that she’s bigger than you and that makes her the boss. You like this. It feels good. She’s a fun version of your mom, if you could picture your mom as a kid.

When you find her in the grass field at the end of the street, this is how you will define feeling happy for the rest of your life. With the sun in her hair, she’s a chameleon in the tall grass and you, dumb as stump, race after her.

This is where it all starts, the altering of your adult fantasies, your DNA, your mate-finding criteria. She’s a blur of color you lose behind a crop of trees and while you’re looking for her, she hits you from behind. This will continue to happen to you for the rest of your life.

When she takes you to the ground, when her weight knocks the breath out of you and you inhale dirt and grass and twigs, the sweet tang of summer sticky skin, and that subtle fragrance, something you know nothing about, her pheromones, this becomes your Heaven on Earth.

Because you’re a male, because you’ve watched men and been programmed for years already, you know you’re supposed to resist. You’re supposed to dominate.

“Hey! Get off me.” You somewhat mean this.

She bounces on your tough, tender body and pins your arms down. Helplessness is now in your vocabulary.

This scenario and thousands like it, from this impressionable age of youth before you’re jaded and hardened by all the things you’re supposed to do and feel as a man or woman, gay or straight, cross-dresser or transgender, tall or short, you get my drift, will be forever implanted as what you need and want and crave. No matter what you do in life, who you screw in all the ways you’ll screw them or be screwed by them, this will be your ultimate button, the launch pad to which all orgasms will stem.

That’s not such a bad life.

A and I have been wrestling a good twenty minutes. It’s old school, respectful, considerate athleticism. He’s trying to pin me, I’m trying to avoid carpet burns. Both to no avail. At intermission, we wipe sweat from our faces and let the heart rate calm between sips of water. This is the appropriate time to chat.

It’s always the same for me, the inevitable prying. I like the wrestling, the domination, but what I love is the story. No matter how many times I hear it, I never get tired of hearing someone unravel themselves. A’s story is similar to the one above with a little adjustment.

I’ve forgotten why A is here, too busy, too much on my mind, too many other thoughts crowding for attention. He sits red-faced on a worn blanket seen by thousands of parched and used bodies. His voice is factual, almost pleasant.

Every year for ten years he and his girl would come to Vegas. It was their time off for good behavior. This girl, she was special. He taught her how to wrestle and she loved it. She loved controlling him, driving him crazy, and he loved her loving that power. He was a blessed man. This open-mindedness led to a flexible relationship free of jealousy and possession in which excitement and passion could be shared with an extra playmate. There wasn’t a need for cheating, deception, or lies. Guilt and shame didn’t have a place in their home.

Until one day his wife meets a different kind of girlfriend that offers her a line of blow. Maybe it was crack, he’ll never know, he never heard the same version twice. In the parking lot of a bar, this was the beginning of the end.

Not one to bail, he stuck around as she did rehab and worked the steps. Eleven months clean and he believes they may have cleared the speed bump to greener pastures. A month before their anniversary, she’s gone off to work and there’s a knock at the door. It’s her mom.

My bikini is sticking to me. Wet with sweat, it rides my crack without mercy. Half of my life is a wedgie and I don’t notice. He’s got my full attention. I’ve heard worse, much worse. Some of my sessions, the child-men I play with have been through tortures that make this look like a tea party.

It’s not the details of his story, it’s the way he says it. He could be giving me the stats of the last Phillies double-hitter. He couldn’t possibly be talking about how the love of his life drowned their future in a guest bathroom he’d helped paint.

This is a man resigned. No victim here. No depression-laden black circles under his eyes, no use taking responsibility for something that wasn’t his to own. Just acceptance for what was and what is.

It’s this that got me. This makes me come back for more. This happens to me all the time.

We wrestle again, rolling around on a sheet smelling of chemicals and dead skin. I’m pinning him and laughing because he’s not here to feel sorry for himself or impress me with his bad luck.

What I feel, the geyser-style leaks breaking the dam of my composure, isn’t what he wants or needs. My job is very, very simple and it’s why he waited so patiently for me to make time.

He has a hard-on. For one second, two seconds, I consider, really consider giving his pecker a conciliatory hand job. A pity wank. If he’d been less of a man, if I’d respected him less, I might have done it to make us both feel better.

But that’s not why I’m here.

I’m here to take him away from that, to when he was a child and this kind of heartache didn’t exist. I’m here to remind him that he was once happy because it was easy. His choice, his to remember. I wouldn’t be here otherwise and here is that young kid running through the grass, never knowing when he’s going to get blindsided.

When I am dressed, having left my filters on the blanket of a room I almost didn’t make it to, we hug. I kiss his cheek and tell him I’m really glad we met. He lets me hold him longer than expected. I squeeze him even as I feel him pull back into himself. He might not have pinned me, but right now I want to leave him with something, some kernel of my love and admiration, even if it’s in the form of an embrace.

Driving home, I’m left to myself again. I’m more humbled than when I came, more compassionate, more understanding about everyone that finds me. There’s every chance I’ll never see A again and that’s fine. Whether it was for a moment, an hour, I can’t help but feel I got lucky. I could have missed this.

It’s like this every time I step outside long enough to see a story other than my own. It’s the jacket lining of a soul, a heart turned inside out, the vulnerability of a newborn, and the surrender of the old.

It’s why I session.

And it’s just another day.